Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche
- Real Programmers
don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching
Szechwan food.
- Real Programmers
don't write application programs. They program right down on the bare
metal. Application programming is for dullards who can't do system
programming.
- Real Programmers
don't write spec's. Users should be grateful for whatever they get;
they are lucky to get any programs at all.
- Real Programmers
don't comment their code. lt was hard to write, it should be hard
to understand and harder to modify.
- Real Programmers
don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read
listings or the object code from the dump.
- Real Programmers
don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterates form
of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did
for them.
- Real Programmers
don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of the
novice and the coward.
- Real Programmers
don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain
ancient payroll programs.
- Real Programmers
don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Businness Oriented
Laymen who can't run a business nor a real program.
- Real Programmers
don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white
socks. They get exited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor
simulation.
- Real Programmers
don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal-retentives who can't
choose between FORTRAN and COBOL.
- Real Programmers
don't write in BASIC. Actually no programmers write in BASIC
after reaching puberty.
- Real Programmers
don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be written on
one line.
- Real Programmers
don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more parenthesis
than actual code.
- Real Programmers
don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA or any of those other sissy
computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with
weak memories.
- Real Programmers
programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on
the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few"
30-hour debugging sessions.
- Real Programmers
never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9am,
it's because they were up all night.
- Real Programmers
don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of
clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear climbing
boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle
of the machine room.
- Real Programmers
disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for
compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained. They wear
neckties and carefully line up pencils on an otherwise clean desk.
- Real Programmers
don't like the team programming concept. Unless of course, they
are the chief programmer.
- Real Programmers
never write memos on paper. They send it via MAIL.
- Real Programmers
have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They
exist only to deal with personnel bozos bean counters, senior
planners and other mental defectives.
- Real Programmers
scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for
pansy bedwetters who are unable to think big.
- Real Programmers
don't drive clapped out mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns
or pickup cars with floor shift. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
- Real Programmers
don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers
firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
Real Programmers ignore schedules.
- Real Programmers
like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it up in the microwave
oven. Real Programmers
use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell which jobs
are running just by listening to the rate of popping.
- Real Programmers
know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every
Real Program. Candyass architects won't allow execution
instructions to adress another execute as the target instruction.
Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.
- Real Programmers
don't bring brown bag lunches. lf the vending machine sells it, they
eat it. lf the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.
Vending machines don't sell Quiche.
Hier gibt es noch weitere wichtige Fakten über Real Programmers:
Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL
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Kai Schröder, 29.11.2000 